Barney Thomson is a restless soul in search of a quiet town in which to settle.
He thinks he might just have found it in Millport on the Isle of Cumbrae and life can at last bring him some peace. Or, at least, it might have done, but for the dead body at the bottom of the stairs, the ghost tormented for all time to go to the bathroom, the evil Chinese businessman, the disturbing package in the freezer, the mysterious cathedral, Barney's deaf, mute, hunchbacked assistant, the ancient society protecting a 2,000 year-old secret, the Vatican spies, the intended murder, the curious collective of ninety year-old men looking for Robbie Williams' haircuts, the promiscuous vicar named Judas, the rookie exorcist, the volatile cheese sandwich, and the very outside possibility of Armageddon. And, at the end it all, twelve men will meet around a table and the very future of humanity will be decided.
Either that, or they will go home for a cup of tea and a plate of chips.